It's not suicide, but I'll go first

At some point, I stopped caring if I lived.   This isn't suicide so don't panic.   I noticed this for the first time in Costa Rica.  We were zip lining and came to the "Tarzan" swing.  A super tall platform that you simply jump off of and free fall swing.  Scary? Yes.  Dangerous? Possibly.  So when the guy asked who I wanted to go first, I said I would.  

Then we went parasailing.  A threesome.  My fellow colleague and one of our students.  She asked what happens if we go down.  I told her, "I'll do everything to save you, but you promise me you'll just leave me and save yourself."  Scary? Yes.  Dangerous? Possibly.  But I didn't care.  

This is my unique take on grief.  I've lost all the people who need me.  You lose a spouse, most times there are children who need you.  Most people lose a parent and have a spouse and children to care for.  I took care of my parents.  For my entire life and specifically the past few years, I made few decisions without first thinking how they would impact my parents.  And now? My life is my own.  

Look, it's not like I don't think people would miss me if I wasn't here.  Of course.  But no one needs me.  No one needs me to drive them to the doctor or pick up "just one more thing" from the drug store.  It's different now. 

I'm not going to be reckless or foolish but I will take chances.  I will live unafraid.  I will take the leaps and jump from the platforms.  It's not suicide, just living!