They come back

The past week my state, region, friends and family have been through a lot.  It's being dubbed the 500 year flood.  As the events began to unfold last Friday, I was glued to social media as I watched the traumatic events.  And although I was blessed to be spared the worst of this ordeal, many were not so lucky.

In the midst of this catastrophe, as I became more anxious for myself and others, they came back.   The nightmares.  Gone for more than a month or so, I thought this part of grief was behind me.  But it was not so.  They came back.  As real and painful as before.  Sometimes I relive that last night.  The words spoken, the fear, the worry, the prayers, the pain, the disbelief, the guilt, the words not spoken.  It's all there.  But this time the dreams were different.  Mom was alive again.  I knew she had a heart problem. And I was doing everything to stop the heart attack from happening. I recognized all the signs of a heart condition.  I frantically took her from doctor to doctor.   This time would be different. The outcome would be different!   But it's not.  I can't stop it.  

I awaken with pain and loss anew.  And it hurts so deeply again.  The past 6 months fade away and the wound is fresh.  And the fear of sleeping returns.