The roles we play

From the time we are born, we start taking on the different roles of life.  First and foremost, we become sons or daughters.  Sometimes, we are simultaneously brothers or sisters.  As time goes by and we grow and life progresses, our roles change.  We are cousins and aunts/uncles.  Some choose the role of spouse and are blessed to play the role of parent.  With each role, I think we add to the weaving of who we are or, maybe better said, at who we perceive ourselves to be.

I've thought about the void I feel so deeply now with the death of both of my parents and I've come to the conclusion that it in part has to do with these roles.  As my life progressed, some of the more traditional roles were left out.  Although a wife for a short time, I am no longer in that role.  I've also accepted that it was not God's will for me to have the role of mother.  I don't understand this path I'm on but, for the most part, I've rarely doubted that this is the path He wants me on.  Yet, with the death of my Mom, I am left with no major role to play.  My whole life the role that mattered to me the most was that of daughter.  Not to minimize the pain of others at the lost of their parents, but in the instance where no major roles remain, mother..,father...husband...wife...grandparent..., I can tell you that the void is overwhelming.  I honestly don't know what I'm supposed to do now.  And to be honest, there are moments where I truly feel I no longer know who I am.  

I guess the best way for me to express this is to say I lost myself as well as my Mom on March 8.  And 6 months later, I am still trying to determine my new role.

One day after Dad died, Mom and I were driving back to Lafayette from Hammond.  It was probably the last trip she made to the house to retrieve her belongings.  She quietly wept as I drove and finally said, "I don't know who I am anymore.  What's my purpose?"  I calmly replied, "I don't know Mom, but God still has you here so He obviously still has a purpose for you, and I promise I'll help you figure it out."

I can almost hear her now quieting my questioning confusion..."I don't know, Hon, but you're still here so He must still have one for you, and together we'll figure it out."